Today was a productive day...and as happy as that should make me feel (I heart productivity!), I must admit that I had a bit of a sad moment. Stepped on the scale while I was at the gym and (gasp!), I HATED the number that was staring back at me. This is a neverending battle. One that I wish with every ounce of my being that I could conquer and come out on the other end victorious! Unfortunately, I am human and a girl and face all of the insecurites (and more) that most of us deal with on a daily basis. I am hoping to use this blog as a window into my most inner thoughts, be it good, bad and/or ugly. One day, not too far from now, I will explain my past and the darkness that I experienced, but as for the time being I am going to focus on overcoming my demons. I am 28 and feel like I have the confidence of a 7th grade girl (yeah, remember that awful time in your life when you're taller than all the boys, your hair is a hot mess, you haven't figured out how to wear make-up and aren't at the age where shaving is "appropriate". haha). Everyday I wake up and have to rev up my inner voice to communicate positivity. A lot harder than one might expect. I love my life. I love everything about it. My husband. My dogs. My family. My friends. My job. I feel so lucky to have so much and at such a young age. Truly blessed. Why then, do I find it so hard to truly be happy with ME? I am my worst enemy. With every glance in the mirror (which I try to avoid at all cost), I find something to critique. "Katie, suck in that tummy". "You really shouldn't have eaten so much yesterday, you're totally bloated". "Eat cleaner". "Don't wear such tight clothes, you can totally see your muffin top". One thing after another, I tear myself apart, only to feel shamed and sad about who I am. As much as I don't believe that I deserve this type of behavior from myself, and if any one of my clients were to tell me that they feel this way about themselves, I would be so sad for them. But for me, it's a necessary part of everyday life. I am not revealing this information to fish for pity or compliments. I want neither. Rather, I feel that once these feelings, as embarrassing as it is to say it out loud, are in black and white, it is then and only then that I can deal with them. I tend to give myself goals....you might have even picked up on this is my previous posts....so my new "goal" if you will is to STOP giving myself goals. I want to enjoy life and if I overindulge (which I most certainly will quite often, I'm sure) it's going to be okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. This is my mantra!!!! Thanks for allowing me an outlet to communicate my feelings. It really is my therapy!
Now, off to some lighter topics. FOOD!
Breakfast. My shake is baaaaaack! I got a new protein powder and I don't think it's as filling as my other one. I was STARVING by lunch and therefore ate my weight in "snacks". Felt gross.
Shake Domination!!
Had a Larabar about 3 hours after my shake because my stomach was eating my intestines. I have to say, not a huge fan. Too sweet. I know, I cannot believe those words just came out of my mouth. But I feel like it threw me off for the rest of the day. I was CRAVING sweets from then on.....
An insight to my lunchtime hunger madness (not picured): cottage cheese (finished it off. done and done.), sami's pita chips w/ hummus, Honey Bunches of Oats with almond milk. Nothing healthy which only lead to self-loathing and some inner abuse. Sad afternoon!
I love my boys. They love me no matter what the scale says!
Dinner was broccoli/cauliflower salad (compliments of mom-in-law. Thanks, Terry!) with leftover tofu. Note to self: must eat tofu as soon as it is cooked. Really chewy if left to eat at a later date. I've also included some pics of things that I cannot live without!!
You know the deal, DZ. I cook...you clean. Good luck with that.
(notice my Mexican dog in the background. DZ painted that himself while on vacay in Mexico. So cute and sweet. Looooooove.)
Thank you all for bearing with me through today's posts. I appreciate you listening to me as I work through what I hope to be a successful recovery story someday.
Carpe Diem!
xoxo
What are some things that you are working on? I am working on JUST BEING NICE to me!
What are some food items that are vital to everyday life for you? Nooch. Edamame. Annie's Goddess Dressing. My beloved protein shake!
I just tried those same edamame a couple of weeks ago! Have you tried the wasabe flavored ones? Yum!
ReplyDeleteI heart you - KS
And I LOVE Larabars!!! Too sweet for you? Not I. Have you tried the peanut butter cookie???
ReplyDeleteOh boy I have been there! It's rough. I think learning to not expect so much of ourselves helps a lot. That's great you want to stop having tons of goals to work towards. Goals are good but shouldn't paralyze us in the process.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, thanks for your support on the 30 Days!!